The winds of life bash us around
Shatter us on rocks and ground.
The endless mayhem and sorrow last
For what seems forever, and never past.
The winds of life bash us around Shatter us on rocks and ground. The endless mayhem and sorrow last For what seems forever, and never past. |
Comments
Sweet? It's supposed to be sad, not sweet.
-- Founder of #Photo-Manipulations Member of #Apophysis! Stalking =Neltruin's profile since 2210. Hidden by Owner what the hell are you talking about? There's no mention of sweet in the critique and it's not supposed to be
-- Founder of #Photo-Manipulations Member of #Apophysis! Stalking =Neltruin's profile since 2210. (please don't hate me for this, the defeatedness of your poem made me sad so I had to combat the sadness. hyah! *does awesome karate kick thing only seen in movies*)
Yet all around us, joy abounds Faith hope and love, and merriment sounds For as long as cries and tears are cast By laughter and smiles they'll be surpassed I like it a lot! The imagery is wonderful and you conveyed the feeling of defeat quite well. The rhythm is a bit awkward, and it took me a few tries to be able to say it all without stumbling over that. My guess is that you weren't trying for a steady rhythm, in which case it doesn't much matter, but still, it's something to keep in mind. Hmm, what else? Oh yes! Short and sweet, I like that. And no wasted words. So overall, great poem, me likey. xD -- "We all can be only who we are, no more, no less." Terry Goodkind I don't think so. She said something about short and to the point, not short and sweet.
-- Founder of #Photo-Manipulations Member of #Apophysis! Stalking =Neltruin's profile since 2210. |
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